Me & Steve, Recovery Party 1999

I met Steve in the Spring of 1999 right when I was going through chemotherapy for Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. I remember the night well. My friend Melissa and I were out at the Bell in Hand trying to keep things as normal as possible for someone in my condition.

The Bell in Hand was a local bar and I knew the bartender well there, so we went for a couple of drinks (I don't think I really drank, chemo and alcohol don't mix very well). It was a good night, a good week, it was the week that I felt the best in my 3 week cycle of chemo. The first week days 1-7 were usually pretty good, days 8-14 not good, and 15-21 were recovery days, to get strong enough for the next batch. So if I wanted to do something and pretend for just a little while that I wasn't fighting for my life, it was usually during that first week, or end of the 3rd week.

I remember sitting at the bar, and just smiling and talking and feeling like there is so much I have and so much I could lose. I was talking to EVERYONE, and I mean everyone, didn't matter who they were, I started a conversation with that person. Well I kept noticing this hot guy with a hot body walking up to the bar and getting drinks, so me being a bit off, since I felt like I had nothing to lose anyway, says to him. "You have a hot body."

He stops, turns and says, "Thank you"

"No problem, just wanted to let you know, but I'm sure you realized that already".

"No, not really, I've been trying to work on my body more."

"Well, it shows" I reply.

I think I have his attention now, he sits down and we start chatting.

"I like that you just said that, it's refreshing when a girl approaches a guy, shows that you have confidence," he says.

"Oh well, I don't know about that, but I'm in a good mood, and I figured what did I have to lose, so why not."

We proceed to talk and get to know each other, and I think he's a pretty cool guy. At this point he has absolutely no idea that I'm sick or that I'm even wearing a wig. Melissa who was with me, totally gives me the thumbs up, and thinks he's pretty cool too.

It's getting late and the bar was closing but we were having a good time and weren't ready for the night to end. Melissa and I decide to go with Steve and get a bite to eat and then we end up back at his house (get your mind out of the gutter nothing happened). I remember sitting in his living room watching a comic on TV, that comic was Eddie Izzard the cross dressing British comic, we were laughing and just having a good time. Then he puts his arm around me and tries to play with my hair, and I freak.

"Don't touch my hair!!!!"

"Um, okay???" Looks at me like I'm insane.

"Ah ah well um, it's a wig." I stutter, (great now I have to explain otherwise he's going to think I'm a psycho).

"Oh I didn't realize"

"Well, it's a bit more complicated then that..."

"What do you mean?"

"Um, well I don't have any hair underneath, I well, um, well I have cancer and I'm going through chemo right now and it's all falling out."

This was before I decided to shave the rest of what was left of my hair, so if I took the wig off, I looked like a balding middle aged man (no offense guys). But once I shaved my head, then I hardly ever wore that wig.

Anyway, Steve the nice guy that he was, didn't freak out and run the other way, he was sincere and asked me what was going on and how I was doing.

I told him everything and he just listened and asked questions, we started dating after that and he was pretty great. But things got really weird when I had to go through my bone marrow (stem cell, my own stem cells people, not embryonic ones) transplant. I think it was too much for him, and he had a weird sense of humor, but then again, how do you deal dating a girl that you weren't sure was going to live. It had to be hard on him and in the end it was best that it didn't go too far. He had his issues and I just didn't have time to deal with them right then, and that was fine. But I am glad I met him and dated him for the short time I did, it made me feel like I was normal, that I wasn't so sick, and it felt good to have him there. My friends and family were amazing through my illness, I was very lucky to have the support I did when I was sick.

Steve and I stayed in touch for a while, but once I moved I lost touch, I know that he met a nice girl and was very happy. Thank you Steve for making a girl who felt so ugly and scared feel beautiful and confident during a time when it was very difficult to feel beautiful.