Will this anxious feeling I have ever stop?

Ever since I got sick almost 9 years ago, I have had anxiety. For years after getting treatment and being in remission I was still taking xanax for the anxiety I was having. A few years ago I stopped taking it, partly because I didn't like how it made me feel especially when I was sleeping. If I took a xanax before bed I felt like someone was holding me down or I had 2 ton weights on me. I always wake up while I sleep, I have not slept a whole night through in probably 9 years (hmmm right around when I was first diagnosed). Anyway, if I woke up in the middle of the night for whatever reason and I had taken a xanax I felt like I was carrying a ton of bricks, forget about trying to get up to go pee, I literally felt like my body weighed 1000 lbs, plus in the morning I was so groggy that it would take me half the day before I felt human again. I would take half of a pill and I was prescribed 0.5mg to begin with. I never understood people who take a 1mg xanax and function NOT ME!!!

Anyway, for about the last 5-6 months my anxiety has been creeping back, and these last couple of months have been the worse, I wake up in the middle of the night having an anxiety attack, do you know what it feels like to wake up gasping for air, or even worse to dream that you are drowning because you can't breathe? And I know some of you are wondering if maybe I have sleep apnea but I don't think so because I don't snore and I can breathe through my nose its not a blockage I have thought about it, but this is more anxiety I believe, because I have this anxious feeling when I wake up like I'm completely out of control. It is the worse feeling ever, I wouldn't call them panic attacks because I know the difference, last panic attack I had was during Hurricane Wilma which went right through Broward County when I was living in FL. I truly thought I was going to die, no these are anxiety attacks and they are becoming more frequent.

I partly know why I have been feeling so much anxiety, my life is not exactly where I thought it was going to be, it isn't an age thing, I don't feel old, but I feel that I should be somewhere else in my life. I hate the fact that I live check to check and can't afford to move out of my mom's place. I am too old to be living with my mother, but right now I have no other choice. Don't get me wrong I love my mom this has nothing to do with her. I have bills like you wouldn't believe and the person that is supposed to be helping with these (because he helped me to incur them) has not given me any money since last May and there is nothing I can do about it. Plus there are many other reasons why I have been so stressed out lately but I don't want to go into all of them now.

I have been seeing a therapist for a few months, mostly to work out the issues I have had with my father (though I do have to say we are getting along pretty good for the most part right now). I have also been trying to work on some of my issues, my insecurities, it has helped but truth be told I haven't been able to tell him everything yet, I guess a part of me doesn't want to be judged or thought to not be as strong as everyone thinks I am. I try to be strong but lately I feel so weak. I am just tired of working 2 jobs and still not getting anywhere, my main job is not what I thought I'd be doing, it is quite boring, don't get me wrong the people I work for/with are GREAT!!! But the work itself is boring, I sit behind a computer all day long watching the clock go by thinking GOD is it 5 yet? If anyone has met me for 5 minutes they know that I like to be around people, I love to interact with people. I think that is why I was so good at my last job, I ran the shipping office for a warehouse storing produce. I dealt with everyone from the truck driver picking up a load to the owners of the product and everyone in between (brokers, sellers, buyers...) only problem was the company I worked for well they were CHEAP and they completely took advantage of me, knowing that I wouldn't leave until everything was completed, which is why I worked from 3:30pm to anywhere from 1am to 6am. Yes that's right I sometimes (most times) wouldn't leave until close to 6am, a person can only take that for so long and I did it for over 2 years like that w/o a raise. But that is besides the point, I loved the work I did, it was challenging and it was fun, and it was HARD, and very fast paced. Here not so much. Then I get to go to my second job, which isn't a bad thing I interact with a ton of people, and I get energized from there when it is busy, but I don't want to keep working two jobs, I am getting burnt out.

Anyway, I just want to sleep, I just want to feel normal, I'm tired of having this feeling in my stomach like a huge knot or feeling of being nauseous all the time is getting to me (whenever I'm stressed out it all effects my stomach). I hate the feeling of always trying to catch my breath, I know it is time to call my doctor and I will but I want to find a better approach to controlling the anxiety then a pill. I don't know I guess I just needed to get it out, writing is an outlet for me, it is a way to just put it out there.

Like I said, I just need/want to feel normal again, to feel in control because right now I don't and I'm tired, just so tired (and I don't mean sleepy I mean just wiped, lost, confused, and stressed out). But I guess this too shall pass (I hope).