I know it has been a LONG time since I've updated, and some of you might have wondered where I've been, I just haven't been myself for a while now. Things are not what I had hoped they would be. I am working on that and am trying to get me back, and I just couldn't write, I just felt like I had nothing to say, that no one would want to read about me being down down down. I have tried to keep this blog happy and upbeat but lately I have been in a dark funk that I can't seem to get out of.
Then I realized that the reason I started this blog was for me, and it has helped in so many ways to get out my frustrations and release some of my inner tormoils, so I figured why not try and write again.
So much is happening, and not much of it is good. My ex has not given me any money in over 6 months and it is really starting to wear on me, see I was with DD for 5 years and in that time he has put me so far into debt that I had to move back in with my mom (I do pay her rent it isn't like she is supporting me I don't know why I have to state that, maybe because I don't want you to think I am a loser because that is how I have been feeling lately). Anyway, the deal that DD and I had was that he would help pay back some of the debt I incurred because of him, and for a while he was doing pretty well and now NOTHING, and I already work 2 jobs and am so tired, I just never feel like I am above water, I feel like I am drowning all the time. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it anymore, I have to just move forward, but it is so hard when I have no where to go.
I just wish he was a man of his word and not the person with empty promises all the damn time. How did I let myself be fooled for so long?
This time of year does not help with my mood either, from right after Halloween (my favorite holiday) to my birthday (which is in January) I get seasonal depression without a doubt I have it, the dark the cold, just all of it makes me sad. I tend to eat more (which doesn't help my weight) and all I want to do is stay in bed and watch TV. This is not a way to live, I have been going to therapy but I just don't voice it all, I have good days and I have bad days, but lately the bad seem to outway the good. I am tired all the time, I am sad all the time, and all I want to do is sleep ha but what is funny is that I haven't been sleeping, I have such bad inosmnia lately that I literally will sleep for an hour be up for 3, sleep 20 minutes up for 1. Which also is not helping my mood, so I'm cranky, tired, bored, and lonely. See why I haven't written in so long, who wants to hear about this, I write this and I'm disgusted with myself. I want to scream "GET OVER IT!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SNAP OUT OF IT!!!" But no matter how much I try I just can't seem to get out of my funk.
I have a doctors appointment next month with my oncologist and I'm going to talk to them about everything that I am feeling, I've talked to some people who have been through what I have (Cancer) and you know what a lot of them are on antidepressants, our bodies have gone through such a shock, our chemistry is different, our minds have been through so much that maybe it is time to be put on something (I don't want to be there are so many side effects and I already take so many pills as it is). But I am going to talk to them, I can't keep living like this. I need to find the light again, to feel happy, to wake up feeling refreshed, to want to live my life. I have always said, that life is too short to be miserable all the time and right now I am miserable.
See why I haven't posted who wants to hear about this, who wants to read this, I write for me but I also write for people to enjoy. But I'm going to get over this, I have to get over this, I have to be me again, I hate feeling like this, I hate feeling like a failure am I a failure? Will I ever meet a nice guy will I ever float on the water calmly instead of struggling to keep my head above?
Friday, November 16, 2007
Someday the light will come back right?
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
I have a confession
They say the first step to recovery is admitting the problem, this isn't easy for me, and I didn't realize how bad it was until yesterday when I couldn't get my daily fix, I swear it just started out as a fun thing to do once in awhile, I never realized that first time would get me to where I was yesterday feelings anxiety and withdrawal from this.
I don't know if I can even say it out loud, no it is too hard, if I admit it does that mean I have to give it up, does that mean no more???
I'M ADDICTED TO MY CELL PHONE!!!
I said it, FREEDOM!!!!
I left my cell phone home yesterday, and Oh MY GAWD the withdrawal I felt for that little black and silver phone was horrible, I kept reaching for it, just to send out one little text, I need my texting I crave my texting, so I average about 2000 texts a month, is that bad? It all started when I got my 2nd job hostessing, I would stand up front for long periods of times with nothing to do, no one coming in to greet or sit, so I started to text message, well 8 months later, it is a full on addiction.
As I would reach for my phone last night I would get this feeling of dread and dispair all I wanted to do was check the time, to send out a text, to see if someone called, but it wasn't there, oh how I missed my cell phone. I even asked Terrence who has the same phone if I just could hold his for just a moment, that was when I realized I had a problem, starting to beg for a fix for a text, not a good sign I tell you.
When I got home it was sitting right where I left it, and oh how happy I was to see it, I checked and I had 4 missed calls and 7 missed texts (see I am loved). So now that I have admitted the problem, does this mean that I have to cut back on using my phone or can I just go back to being in denial? See how can you not love this phone, isn't it pretty?
Monday, October 15, 2007
A Night at the Theater
This past Friday my mom and I went to the ballet, it was The Boston Ballet's Night of the Stars (A Gala Benefit Performance). This is the 2nd year that the Boston Ballet has put on this gala and this year was to celebrate the life of Cathryn S. Keith a woman who was a leader in assisting others, she was well known throughout Boston for her tireless dedication as a volunteer for the Boston Ballet and other institutions. The ballet showcased 14 different ballets from around the world and time. Everything from your traditional ballets all the way to what is now considered modern ballet (personally I like the traditional better then modern). I never realized how big the Boston Ballet and school were, at the end of the show they had all the dancers from the company and school on stage, from the child ballet dancers all the way up to the principle dancers, it was an astonishing sight to see.
*I will list the ballets they showcased below.
My appreciate and love for the theater started at a very young age when my mom took me to see Annie and Peter Pan when I was around 5-6 years old, both in Boston at the Wang Center (it was called something else back then). I remember watching as Annie tried to hide from Mrs Hannigan and Peter Pan flying through the air and up to where we were sitting, (Sandy Duncan played Peter Pan at that performance). My mom has always loved the theater and am so grateful that she introduced me to all that was magical at such a young age. Throughout the years mom and I have seen many performances, even while we lived in Arizona we tried to get to the theater (now that is an experience seeing people in jeans, cowboy hats and boots going to see Le Miserable is definitely different). I have been fortunate enough to see many plays, musicals and ballets, I have yet to see an Opera though a couple are coming here one being Madame Butterfly, one that I have always wanted to see, hopefully I'll be able to.
I think the best ballet I have ever saw was The Taming of the Shrew, it was beautiful, moving and hysterical, the way that Kate would walk around and sulk and resist Petrucchio was funny and what was amazing is to follow the story and watch it being performed with dance and expression and no dialogue is true talent. The audience was roaring and luckily for us they showcased this ballet as well on Friday night.
My favorite musical I would have to say was probably The Who's Tommy, what an awesome show that was, the music, the performers, the scenes, the songs, I remember going with this guy Dave to see it, and sitting on the edge of our seats the whole time. I wish that they would reprise this musical again, I'd see it in a heartbeat.
My favorite play would be The Graduate with Jason Biggs, Kathleen Turner and Alicia Silverstone, I saw this a few years ago with my mom and we had great seats, Kathleen Turner played Mrs Robinson and she was outstanding, the woman actually did a FULL FRONTAL in the scene where she tries to seduce Benjamin, in the movie Anne Bancroft is in a slip, I didn't expect to see ALL of Kathleen Turner but I did, and she is still just as beautiful as ever. I never realized how funny this play was, and to see it with such famous people was just a bonus.
I'm hoping this season that I can make a trip to New York City and see a show on Broadway, for all my years of going to different performances I have never seen one on Broadway. I'm hoping finally this spring to be able to do just that, I love New York in the spring and what a great trip that would be. I have a good friend that lives in New York so maybe I'll be able to see him as well.
Here is the list and description of all the ballets that were showcased on Friday night.
A Midsummer Nights Dream
World Premiere January 17, 1962, New York City BalletA Midsummer Night's Dream ballet compresses virtually all of Shakespeare's story into Act I; Act II celebrates the wedding of the lovers with a grand divertissement that is reminiscent of the great 19th-century classics.
Found
World Premiere: April 12, 2007, Boston BalletBoston Ballet company member Heather Myers choreographed Found for the young artists of Boston Ballet II for Dance on the Top Floor. Heather’s first commission for the Company will receive its premiere as part of the March 6-9, 2008 repertory program, Next Generation.
The Fairy Doll
World Premiere: 1903, St. PetersburgDancing dolls were a popular 19th-century ballet conceit—think of the mechanical dolls in Act I of The Nutcracker and, of course, Coppélia. In this pantomime-divertissement, originally called Die Puppenfee, dolls spring to life and dance the night away in a toy shop, all under the supervision of the Fairy Doll. The libretto was adapted by various choreographers, including this one by Legat, as well as by Massine, whose La Boutique Fantasque dramatized the same story.
Etesian (excerpt)
World Premiere: March 16, 2006, Boston BalletThe title of Helen Pickett’s first work for Boston Ballet refers to annually recurring phenomena, e.g., etesian winds are those that blow across the Mediterranean Sea each summer. This versatile artist trained at San Francisco Ballet and performed for over a decade with William Forsythe’s Ballet Frankfurt. A teacher and choreographer who employs Forsythe technique and improvisation, Helen is also an actress who appeared with New York’s cutting-edge Wooster Group for seven years. Her next commission for the Company will be part of the March 6-9, 2008 repertory program, Next Generation.
The Taming of the Shrew
World Premiere: March 16, 1969, Stuttgart BalletIn bringing Shakespeare’s Kate and Petrucchio to the stage, Cranko displayed his signature ability to convert complex narrative to physical expression. He also demonstrated a rare gift for comedy in dance, as seen in this excerpt.
The Four Temperaments
World Premiere: November 20, 1946, Ballet SocietyThe music for this seminal work of modernism was commissioned from Hindemith by Balanchine. In the complete work, a formal theme is followed by four movements. Each section bears the title of one of the four natural characteristics or “humors” that, according to ancient theory, governed the human body.
La Sylphide
World Premiere: November 28, 1836, CopenhagenAugust Bournonville’s choreography and distinctive style, born of his Royal Danish Ballet training and his exposure to the Romantic traditions of the Paris Opera Ballet, have endured for more than 150 years. In La Sylphide, a young Scotsman pursues an enchanting woodland sylph, eventually destroying her as well as his own chances for worldly happiness. The ballet epitomizes the Romantic fascination with supernatural tales and the foreign locales that are suggested by costume, décor, and folk-influenced character dances like the Act I Reel.
Flower Festival in Genzano
World Premiere: December 19, 1858, CopenhagenIn August of 2007, Boston Ballet II member Jeffrey Cirio and Boston Ballet School trainee Sylvia Deaton spent three weeks in Copenhagen, training with the Royal Danish Ballet School and Company as part of an exchange program with Boston Ballet. During their visit, these young artists were coached on this famous gala piece and other works by many of the finest interpreters of the Bournonville technique and style.
Crane
World Premiere: April 22, 2007Boyko Dossev, from Sofia, Bulgaria, is a member of Boston Ballet’s corps. His inspiration for this piece, created for Dance on the Top Floor, was Company Soloist Misa Kuranaga. “The male represents her life, emotions, hopes, fears, all she wants to achieve, but he is not physically real,” says Dossev. “He exists because of her.”
Brake the Eyes(excerpt)
World Premiere: March 1, 2007, Boston BalletResident choreographer Jorma Elo has received acclaim for his work in New York, Chicago and Europe in recent years, as well as here at Boston Ballet. In this most recent creation for the Company, he adds a sonic dimension to the sculptural style of movement that has become his trademark.
Le Cygne Noir (Black Swan)
World Premiere: 1986, MarseillesLe Cygne Noir is a male solo from the full length ballet Ma Pavlova, created for Ballet Nationale de Marseilles-Roland Petit and dedicated to the principal dancer Dominique Khalfouni.
The Flames of Paris
World Premiere: Kirov Ballet (State Academic Theatre for Opera and Ballet), Leningrad, November 7, 1932Very much a work of the Soviet era, The Flames of Paris is a full-length ballet depicting the proletarian struggles of the French Revolution. This selection from Act IV, a tour de force of technique, virtuosity, and bravura style, is frequently seen today as a gala performance piece. Herman Cornejo is a principal dancer with American Ballet Theatre.
Polyphonia
World Premiere: January 4, 2001, New York City BalletPolyphonia, to date one of Christopher Wheeldon’s most frequently performed ballets, is considered a turning point in his career as a choreographer. This music-driven work, set to the rhythmically intricate and arresting piano works of Ligeti, is a clear tribute to Balanchinian neo-classicism.
Grand Pas Classique
World Premiere: November 12, 1949, Grand pas, as a generic term, refers to a formally structured number that usually consists of entrances for the soloists and ensemble, followed by the couple’s adagio, individual solo variations, and a coda that includes the return of the corps de ballet.
DéfiléBoston Ballet concludes this gala evening with a grand défilé or procession. In the tradition of the Paris Opera Ballet, the défilé is a hierarchical parade of dancers, from students through the each level of the company ranks and finally to the principals.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Girl Seeking Wealthy Man
If you are ever in wonder about the authenticity of an email you got the best place to go is Snopes.com this website basically tells you whether there is a family of alligators in the sewers of New York (false) or whether that Amber Alert is real (some are some aren't), they are really good at breaking down whatever it is you are looking for. I especially hate it when people just forward those emails that say, if you forward this to 10 people Bill Gates will send you a check for $10,000.00, or if you send this to 100 people that little boy in that remote island off that unknown coast will finally get the medical attention he needs for that rare disease none of can pronounce, snopes.com will tell you what is true and what is not. I get a new urban legend each day to read about, some are weird, some are sad and some are really funny, take this one I read today.
This one is from an ad on Craig's List in the New York region, basically this "attractive" 25 year old girl wants to know why she can't find a guy that makes at least 500k a year, and I quote...
What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate, classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm over reaching at all.
She goes on further to say exactly what she is looking for, now I am someone that doesn't take these sort of things too seriously but it did irk me a bit I also couldn't help but laugh at her ad because who is she to say she is beautiful, classy and articulate, right now none of those seem even remotely close but I digress. What really makes me laugh is the response she gets from a man who fits her qualifications.
He basically says that her proposition is a lousy business deal because all she has to offer is her looks and that over time her looks will probably fade where as his money will probably grow he goes on to say and I quote...
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold... hence the rub... marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "by you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease.
He too goes on further and it makes me think what was this girl expecting, someone say, oh you are so beautiful marry me? COME ON SERIOUSLY??
But what I think is the funniest part about this whole ad is what snopes.com found out. it seems that the ad actually could have been real, they have the status as undetermined meaning they could not find conclusively that it is true or false but gives you what they did find. They even say that...
The Craigslist ad (which was posted to its New York boards) may have been on the up and up: in an 8 October 2007 New York Times article, a spokesperson for the online community said, "it does look as if the post was made sincerely." The anonymous poster has since removed her solicitation from Craigslist.
Snopes.com goes on to say that gals seeking sugar daddies is not new, we all know this but what I didn't know (and here is why I had to write about this) is that there are two (yes count them 2) websites that are specifically catered to those looking for a rich man or woman to take care of them. Those two websites are Seeking Millionaire and Seeking Arrangements, this is where I just lost it, I was laughing uncontrollably in my little cube (to which my co-workers are now wondering what was in my morning drink). You know I went on these two websites to see what it was all about and no I did not sign up for it. Where was this website 10 years ago when I was 22 and so could have used a sugar daddy (I kid I kid I've always been too independent for that). You just have to go on and check them out, I never realized how many handsome rich men there were out there who so just wanted a young girl to spend their money. Damn I missed my calling I so could spend their money, oh well next life.
Here is the link for the full story on this ad Fool's Gold Digger (ENJOY)
Monday, September 24, 2007
Will this anxious feeling I have ever stop?
Ever since I got sick almost 9 years ago, I have had anxiety. For years after getting treatment and being in remission I was still taking xanax for the anxiety I was having. A few years ago I stopped taking it, partly because I didn't like how it made me feel especially when I was sleeping. If I took a xanax before bed I felt like someone was holding me down or I had 2 ton weights on me. I always wake up while I sleep, I have not slept a whole night through in probably 9 years (hmmm right around when I was first diagnosed). Anyway, if I woke up in the middle of the night for whatever reason and I had taken a xanax I felt like I was carrying a ton of bricks, forget about trying to get up to go pee, I literally felt like my body weighed 1000 lbs, plus in the morning I was so groggy that it would take me half the day before I felt human again. I would take half of a pill and I was prescribed 0.5mg to begin with. I never understood people who take a 1mg xanax and function NOT ME!!!
Anyway, for about the last 5-6 months my anxiety has been creeping back, and these last couple of months have been the worse, I wake up in the middle of the night having an anxiety attack, do you know what it feels like to wake up gasping for air, or even worse to dream that you are drowning because you can't breathe? And I know some of you are wondering if maybe I have sleep apnea but I don't think so because I don't snore and I can breathe through my nose its not a blockage I have thought about it, but this is more anxiety I believe, because I have this anxious feeling when I wake up like I'm completely out of control. It is the worse feeling ever, I wouldn't call them panic attacks because I know the difference, last panic attack I had was during Hurricane Wilma which went right through Broward County when I was living in FL. I truly thought I was going to die, no these are anxiety attacks and they are becoming more frequent.
I partly know why I have been feeling so much anxiety, my life is not exactly where I thought it was going to be, it isn't an age thing, I don't feel old, but I feel that I should be somewhere else in my life. I hate the fact that I live check to check and can't afford to move out of my mom's place. I am too old to be living with my mother, but right now I have no other choice. Don't get me wrong I love my mom this has nothing to do with her. I have bills like you wouldn't believe and the person that is supposed to be helping with these (because he helped me to incur them) has not given me any money since last May and there is nothing I can do about it. Plus there are many other reasons why I have been so stressed out lately but I don't want to go into all of them now.
I have been seeing a therapist for a few months, mostly to work out the issues I have had with my father (though I do have to say we are getting along pretty good for the most part right now). I have also been trying to work on some of my issues, my insecurities, it has helped but truth be told I haven't been able to tell him everything yet, I guess a part of me doesn't want to be judged or thought to not be as strong as everyone thinks I am. I try to be strong but lately I feel so weak. I am just tired of working 2 jobs and still not getting anywhere, my main job is not what I thought I'd be doing, it is quite boring, don't get me wrong the people I work for/with are GREAT!!! But the work itself is boring, I sit behind a computer all day long watching the clock go by thinking GOD is it 5 yet? If anyone has met me for 5 minutes they know that I like to be around people, I love to interact with people. I think that is why I was so good at my last job, I ran the shipping office for a warehouse storing produce. I dealt with everyone from the truck driver picking up a load to the owners of the product and everyone in between (brokers, sellers, buyers...) only problem was the company I worked for well they were CHEAP and they completely took advantage of me, knowing that I wouldn't leave until everything was completed, which is why I worked from 3:30pm to anywhere from 1am to 6am. Yes that's right I sometimes (most times) wouldn't leave until close to 6am, a person can only take that for so long and I did it for over 2 years like that w/o a raise. But that is besides the point, I loved the work I did, it was challenging and it was fun, and it was HARD, and very fast paced. Here not so much. Then I get to go to my second job, which isn't a bad thing I interact with a ton of people, and I get energized from there when it is busy, but I don't want to keep working two jobs, I am getting burnt out.
Anyway, I just want to sleep, I just want to feel normal, I'm tired of having this feeling in my stomach like a huge knot or feeling of being nauseous all the time is getting to me (whenever I'm stressed out it all effects my stomach). I hate the feeling of always trying to catch my breath, I know it is time to call my doctor and I will but I want to find a better approach to controlling the anxiety then a pill. I don't know I guess I just needed to get it out, writing is an outlet for me, it is a way to just put it out there.
Like I said, I just need/want to feel normal again, to feel in control because right now I don't and I'm tired, just so tired (and I don't mean sleepy I mean just wiped, lost, confused, and stressed out). But I guess this too shall pass (I hope).
Monday, September 10, 2007
I have a question for all the parents out there
I have a question, being that I am not a parent myself so I guess I don't really know how most parents would react to a situation that could possibly happen to you. I know how I would react but again since I don't have children of my own if I did maybe it would be different.
Here is the hypothetical situation.
You go to a restaurant with your family which includes a child around the age of 8-10 years old. The child orders a "VIRGIN" daiquiri and the bartender accidentally makes it with alcohol. The server does not realize this because she/he obviously does not taste it before serving to your child. The child takes a few sips and says, "Mom this tastes funny." So you try it yourself and you realize that there is alcohol in it. What do you do?
I am curious to see what some parents would do in a situation like this?
a) would you freak out on the server and bartender threatening police action and lawsuits.
b) would you calmly say, excuse me I think this was made with alcohol
c) laugh and tell the server I'll have this one could you make the next one w/o the booze for my kid, wouldn't want her to start drinking before 5pm.
d) tell the server what happened, server takes drink away, apologizes and asks if there is anything she/he can do, you say nothing much wait until the food comes and then state that you have lost your appetite and can't possibly eat.
You don't have to pick one of these, you can tell me what you would do if none of these apply, I am interested in what the response would be. I know that I would probably laugh and just say ooops, could you make this w/o the booze.
In a related story, when my brother Yianni was about 3-4 years old, we had a barbecue at my father's house, probably for Greek Easter which is a huge deal in the Greek community (ever seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding yeah that's us). Anyway, there was a glass with straight vodka sitting on the counter that someone was drinking. Yianni thought it was water, needless to say, he took a huge gulp. Gasped for air for a second (since it was straight booze it burnt while going down). We yelled, No Yianni that's not water, we get him to drink water and eat something, but realize whatever is done is done. He never slept as well as he did that night. We laugh about it still to this day saying you always did like the hard stuff. So I guess being that alcohol was never TABOO in my family (and no we are not drunks) it never fazed me, I never drank in high school not like my friends who would get drunk just to get drunk because mom and dad said no. My mom and dad said if I wanted a glass of wine or a beer it wasn't a big deal. So what are your opinions on this, I am opened to all, good, bad, critical, funny, whatever, just trying to get some parents perspective. Let me know in the comments or email me directly.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
I didn't know
I have been reading a lot of posts lately about how some bloggers felt that they were snubbed or felt left out because of how some of the more "popular" bloggers treated us. First and foremost those people can SUCK IT!!!
I did notice on Thursday nights get together upstairs at the W there were a few people that couldn't be bothered with me, but you know what I had such a great time with the people that I did meet, I said FUCK IT who are you to snub me, I'm a nice person and if you are too much of an asshole to meet new and interesting people then I have no desire to meet you either, and you can bet that if I read your blog I'm not reading it anymore.
In a weird way I'm kind of glad that I got sick and missed out on all most of that bullshit highschool crap. I was never the popular girl and I probably never will be. But you know what I met some great ladies at the conference and even though I haven't had a chance to a) say hi to everyone I met b) update my post lately c) reply to some of them I just want you all to know that I think of you daily and that I am so glad I met you.
Please do not take me not responding or leaving a comment as a snub on my part. The only excuse I have is that I've been so busy with my two jobs that every time I sit down to write I either get interrupted or fall asleep I have no idea how you mommy bloggers do it all, you'll have to tell me your secrets.
I swear I have been trying since I got back from Blogher to just get my blogroll updated and to write a post with all the business cards I got and to list all of the blogs, websites and everything and anything I got.
Let's see if today I can finally get all these drafts posted.
But my new friends from the conference you know who you are and you know that you are in my heart. You made my first experience at Blogher a memorable one and I hope that we get to see/talk to each other again. If I forgot to add you here I will add you to my blogroll post, I don't want anyone to ever feel left out.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Giving Back
Last Wednesday I had the opportunity to give back to those less fortunate then myself and I have to say the experience was amazing. I met this girl Aislynn a while back who is just someone that is very inspirational. She gives so much of herself and to others, that you can't help but feel all the good energy coming from her.
She and her mother, (Linda) run a soup kitchen every Wednesday for anyone and everyone that needs a little help, a person to talk to and a warm meal given with love, and compassion!!! Aislynn invited me to come and help out, to volunteer my time and I have to say that I am so very thankful for her letting me come and help.
I arrive at the kitchen around 5pm and find Aislynn, she introduces me to some of the other volunteers and gives me a great t-shirt that says Abundant Table on the front and this great saying on the back:
Meal: 100 dollars
Supplies: 75 dollars
Clean Up: 50 dollars
Dinner with friends: PRICELESS!!
It is so true, the people that came to the dinner, were all so very sweet, most have developmental challenges and live in an apartment complex together. The rest were low income or homeless folks that just needed a good meal and a warm smile.
After I was introduced to the other volunteers I jumped right in and asked "What can I do to help?"
Someone said, "The gravy needs to be made"
"You got it."
Now the kitchen and dinning room is in a hall at a church and for some reason that I'm not sure about, someone had taken the key to unlock the a/c controls so needless to say it was HOT and HUMID in there, but you know it didn't bother me much. I gladly stirred and mixed the gravy trying not to make too much of a mess, one thing about me I love to cook but make a mess usually when doing so.
The menu for the night consisted of chicken patties, brocolli or corn, rice and gravy, with pumpkin pie and strawberry surprise for desserts. After making the gravy and the people started to come in, I went around with other volunteered and made sure that everyone had something to drink and to see if they needed anything else. I met some really wonderful people and listened to their stories. Dinner was passed around and everyone enjoyed the meal, seconds and thirds were asked and we more then happily served more. Dessert came around and I was quite surprised to see that just about everyone wanted the Strawberry Surprise (I named it that, because we were't exactly sure what it was, it was the color of Pepto Bismol Pink and had some strawberry flavored custard or cream on top of sponge cake, it was VERY VERY SWEET). But everyone seemed to favor that.
There was this one woman who brought her dog with her, who was unfortunately without a home right now. She and her dog were living in her truck, now this woman was very worried about leaving her dog outside, so Aislynn sat with the dog for most of the dinner, and then these two young girls that were there with their mother's sat with the dog. Come to find out this woman was having some financial troubles and was trying to get back on her feet but due to circumstances was not able to find a place to live, so what did Linda and Aislynn do, they invited this woman to come and stay with them in their home. See I told you they were amazing.
What is even more incredible is this isn't the first time they have invited someone to stay with them, until they can get back on their feet, and you know what I'm sure it will not be the last.
Here is a picture of Aislynn and her Mom Linda, thank you for letting me be a part of the great work that you do, and I will definitely be back to volunteer some more.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Right to Die Issue
This Friday Dr. Jack Kevorkian will be freed from a Michigan prison that he's been at for the last 8 years for second-degree murder in the poisoning of a man with Lou Gehrig's disease, I paraphrase from Yahoo.com article on the matter. Many people have strong opinions about this, about assisted suicides for the terminally ill. Should they be allowed to end their suffering, should doctors and nurses help, should it be legal?
There are many questions and there are many sides to this issue, but I don't think anyone who hasn't been through an illness that could be terminal or is terminal knows what it is like.
I have, I was diagnosed 8 years ago with Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma and at the time they gave me about a 15% chance of living. I was 24 years old and had my whole life ahead of me. The first hospital (the one where I was diagnosed) didn't even think they could or should do anything, they told my family that there might not be anything that we can do for her now. I was stage 4 with a tumor the size of a basketball in my chest, my heart was engorged from fluids, my left lung was collapsed and filling with fluids as well, they were able to get the fluids out and thank goodness they did because I probably wouldn't have made the weekend if they didn't. Luckily we found a better hospital and a better doctor to treat me and because of my doctor and my will power to live I am here today to talk about it.
But that is another story, this post is about my feelings with assisted suicide for the terminally ill. Now I don't know much about Dr. Kevorkian I know he was a doctor that believed in helping people who wanted to die peacefully rather then painfully because of a terminal disease. I know that he did this and was convicted of murder because of it, even though it was the wishes of his patient. Do I agree with what he did or how he did it, I don't know. All I know is if my cancer had become terminal if there was absolutely no hope I would want to live out the rest of my life peacefully and when it became apparent that I would be riddled with pain and suffering I would want to be given medication to let me slip into the night and go to a better place.
When you come as close to death as I did, you start to really think about your own mortality and what you have accomplished so far. I was a fighter still am, but there was a time when I was in so much pain and so weak that I wanted to give up, now I don't think that calls for ending my life. I was lucky I had great friends and family around me to help me, to support me and a friend that I met while going through treatment that was going through the EXACT same thing as I was so we had each other to say, this too shall pass.
But I tell you, if they had said, we can do no more for you and it was just a waiting game, I would do everything in my power to live, but when the time came that I could no longer live a well life, I would want to be euthanized, we put our pets to sleep when they are in pain, why can't we do that for others who are suffering so much. I do not want to be on life support and have machines keep me alive, I do not want to feel pain and live like a vegetable because I'm doped up so much that I have no real awareness of what is going on around me. I think that a person who is ready to die and who is suffering should be allowed to die the way they want to die.
I do not believe in suicide and I do not believe that just anyone who is going through something hard should be allowed to die. I think that is a completely different situation, if there is hope to get better then no you shouldn't be allowed to die, you should fight and fight hard. But if there is nothing else but pain and suffering and imminent death then I believe you should go peacefully with drugs, I also think doctors and nurses should be involved so it is done properly. I know some might use the religious aspects to debate this, but I know in my heart that God was with me and so were my angels watching over me during my illness and I do not believe that he would want me to suffer to feel that kind of pain.
This is only my opinion from my experience and I welcome any feedback or comments but please be nice.
