Someday the light will come back right?

I know it has been a LONG time since I've updated, and some of you might have wondered where I've been, I just haven't been myself for a while now. Things are not what I had hoped they would be. I am working on that and am trying to get me back, and I just couldn't write, I just felt like I had nothing to say, that no one would want to read about me being down down down. I have tried to keep this blog happy and upbeat but lately I have been in a dark funk that I can't seem to get out of.

Then I realized that the reason I started this blog was for me, and it has helped in so many ways to get out my frustrations and release some of my inner tormoils, so I figured why not try and write again.

So much is happening, and not much of it is good. My ex has not given me any money in over 6 months and it is really starting to wear on me, see I was with DD for 5 years and in that time he has put me so far into debt that I had to move back in with my mom (I do pay her rent it isn't like she is supporting me I don't know why I have to state that, maybe because I don't want you to think I am a loser because that is how I have been feeling lately). Anyway, the deal that DD and I had was that he would help pay back some of the debt I incurred because of him, and for a while he was doing pretty well and now NOTHING, and I already work 2 jobs and am so tired, I just never feel like I am above water, I feel like I am drowning all the time. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it anymore, I have to just move forward, but it is so hard when I have no where to go.

I just wish he was a man of his word and not the person with empty promises all the damn time. How did I let myself be fooled for so long?

This time of year does not help with my mood either, from right after Halloween (my favorite holiday) to my birthday (which is in January) I get seasonal depression without a doubt I have it, the dark the cold, just all of it makes me sad. I tend to eat more (which doesn't help my weight) and all I want to do is stay in bed and watch TV. This is not a way to live, I have been going to therapy but I just don't voice it all, I have good days and I have bad days, but lately the bad seem to outway the good. I am tired all the time, I am sad all the time, and all I want to do is sleep ha but what is funny is that I haven't been sleeping, I have such bad inosmnia lately that I literally will sleep for an hour be up for 3, sleep 20 minutes up for 1. Which also is not helping my mood, so I'm cranky, tired, bored, and lonely. See why I haven't written in so long, who wants to hear about this, I write this and I'm disgusted with myself. I want to scream "GET OVER IT!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SNAP OUT OF IT!!!" But no matter how much I try I just can't seem to get out of my funk.

I have a doctors appointment next month with my oncologist and I'm going to talk to them about everything that I am feeling, I've talked to some people who have been through what I have (Cancer) and you know what a lot of them are on antidepressants, our bodies have gone through such a shock, our chemistry is different, our minds have been through so much that maybe it is time to be put on something (I don't want to be there are so many side effects and I already take so many pills as it is). But I am going to talk to them, I can't keep living like this. I need to find the light again, to feel happy, to wake up feeling refreshed, to want to live my life. I have always said, that life is too short to be miserable all the time and right now I am miserable.

See why I haven't posted who wants to hear about this, who wants to read this, I write for me but I also write for people to enjoy. But I'm going to get over this, I have to get over this, I have to be me again, I hate feeling like this, I hate feeling like a failure am I a failure? Will I ever meet a nice guy will I ever float on the water calmly instead of struggling to keep my head above?

I Want More...

That's Enough!